For the 2004 - 2005 school year I was invited to live as an Artist-in-Residence at Cornell's Risley Hall for the Creative and Performing Arts. It was my duty to provide wholesome art-related activities that would nuture the growth of the creative spirit. But these pictures are mostly about goofing off. Here's a pretty shot of the building that conveys no clear information of its size or space. This is what I could see through my window. I miss you, lunch truck. The students here got something called "Fall Break." So I left too, and took a road trip with my pal Alexa to New York and New Jersey: Combos. A portent of things to come. This is the most beautiful and perfect Sears I've ever seen. I almost crashed the car. Spider-Dog. This is what New York City looks like. Art is exciting to look at. If you're locked in a stairwell, go all the way to the top. You can find crazy rooms filled with sawdust, exposed wires, and a single naked girlie photo pinned to the wall. Rosie is a trusted friend from my own college days. Her face was breaking out, so this picture of her leg and apartment will have to do. We gave a street vendor all the money we had and he gave us this hat. This is a restroom mirror. A hipster art opening I went to with Rosie and this guy Bryan. I can't really explain what's going on. I found it! This place is great! You've got to try this pole! I went to the Met and saw more art. Hot Dog Johnny's. The original. The sun tipped under the horizon, embracing Buttzville with the radiance of creation. Ha ha. Butt! This is Kolb. Lex stole this sign for him from a Burger King near Syracuse. My mom called as we were doing this. "You are in Syra-coooos?" Here's a group shot of a bunch of other weirdos in my charge. The big guy in the middle is John Cleese. (This one you can click on for a bigger view.) A Risley tradition is "Masquerave," a big pre-Halloween party where the whole place is decorated in theme rooms (I helped with the Chuck Norris: Rave for America room) and people dress up and go crazy.       Adrienne as "pirate," Alexa as "devil girl from Target."       I went as The Littlest Goth. Brad Wilson is dressed as Your Uncle. My knuckle tats say "death" and "poem."       Parker as a man who will take a three hour shower, Ben Davis as a full-body shudder, Viv as Clementine.       Kolb as What the Fuck?: The Costume, Becca as Darth Maul.       Karl with the sword he carved out of wood. This guy went as "Razorfist," which is what I called him cause I could never remember his name. His name is John. Aileen as a Slytherin seeker. Clean up! Hellboy by me, Young Hellboy by Alexa, Fly by Adrienne. I want hot noodles. The border people thought we were high? Goodman appreciation: a reason to go to Canada. A reason to avoid Canada. Niagara Falls has a whole Haunted House Ride/Wax Museum district: Alexa, Becca, Dahmer. The letters to Walken are sent off with care. The next group of pictures are from Winter Break: Best mural ever. My friends John and Alison (file photo) got me onto the Fox lot. The set of "House," which I hadn't seen, but that problem would be diagnosed and corrected by a well-trained team, and maybe dissection of a cat for traces of termite droppings would also be involved. I went down to southern California to help the Bat Commander (file photo) make an animated Aquabats pilot. He put myself and my associate up in a hotel; we were even going to meet with Cartoon Network exces. Instead we watched the japanese Spider-Man series and he showed us which Godzilla toys he was giving his kid. ADDENDUM: It's probably good that we didn't accomplish anything, cause otherwise he might not have gone off and made a hit children's TV show. That thin grey line in the distance? That's smog. We saw Jimmy Smits! (Re-enactment) Official State Motto: "California: Better than Ithaca."       At the Monterey Bay Aquarium in Monterey, CA. It's where Kirk and Spock went to get whales. The Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, CA, located next to the movie theatre where I saw Attack of the Clones in digital projection four times (deconstruct that sentence, notice the modifier "in digital projection," and boggle at the implication). This is the gingerbread version in the gift shop. Now we're back: "Hey Navin, if you ever need someone to jump on stage and do Pixies karaoke, I'm your guy." "How about Saturday the 19th from ten to ten thirty?" And Brandon Bird and the Cavemen was born. And promptly aborted. I'm so sorry, Navin. What's he doing with those? No. No. - - - - Much of second semester sucked. I messed up. - - - - Then it stopped sucking in time to end. Ben and Devin at the goodbye barbeque. Kolb and Karl: "Remember that time we mixed Mountain Dew and coffee?" As a reward for my service to the college, I received a copy of Star Wars Revenge of the Sith: The Visual Dictionary and Star Wars Revenge of the Sith: Incredible Cross-Sections. Risley's dining hall is a replica of Christchurch hall at Oxford, where they filmed the Harry Potter movies. So... The kids had Harry Potter night. Uncanny. I was Dumbledore, because of my impeccable "I am Richard Harris and I am on the verge of death and will in fact die if I have to move at all in this scene," impression. But we don't need to see that. "Oh, it's killed me!" At the Webby Awards, with the inventor of the internet, who came dressed like a space despot. The host was that guy from "The Daily Show." It was hot and rainy. I am so short. Somewhere in this picture is Al Gore. We also met Craig, who is even shorter than me. I thanked him, since I got the artist-in-residence job through a Craigslist post, and then he said something to the effect of, "Hey is your friend single? Ha Ha! I am just kidding, I am married. She should visit my mom who also lives in New Jersey, here are exact directions to her house. Also, I am an enormous weirdo." Somewhere in this picture are Becca and the Atlantic Ocean. JP will be represented only by the valentine we made him. The essence of Adam Becker. So many memories. Time to pack up and hit the road! Oh, wait, I forgot the part where they called three months later and asked me to come back for another year. But before that happened, I did some old-fashioned bum-style bumming around California. I had my first real art show. Dave and Adrienne came, and they brought a friend! I dissected Humboldt squid at MBARI. Dr. Lou "Zeidberg, not Zoidberg" Zeidberg. Danielle, Audrey, John and I shared a table at Comic-con next to these normal, totally not-creepy gentlemen I went to SIGGRAPH and saw working holograms and monitors made of mist, but the only picture I took was of an X-Wing Fighter. Brad told me he had an extra invite to the secret SIGGRAPH party. "That worked pretty well," he said. "Considering all I did was tear my ticket in two and give you half." Stealth. Karl joined me for the drive east. Here is a giant hole in Arizona, a remnant from when Earth fought space. I made it back safe and sound to Risley. Then immediately went to my first West Virginia pig roast. Becca was not even close to being happy about this adventure. Just because she had to help an old lady in an outhouse go poo.       Great, more dress-up.       Yeah, that's a pretty good city. Thanksadriennegiving! Snow party! Motherfucking Starry Night, yo! The aftermath of mailing 800 Law & Order Valentine sets.       Moustache Week '06.       (Maybe not the best week.) Well goodbye, soda trap in front of Mary's door. Goodbye, gorges. Goodbye, wall. Goodbye, haunted gun factory. Goodbye, liquid nitrogen. Goodbye, Andrew. Goodbye, all. * * * * "You're only young twice," I explained. "Once when you're actually young, and then a couple years later when you're invited to live in a college for no reason."